The First Big Loss....of a Friend.

There is a person who I felt like knew everything was the closest part to God as I could get, without being next to him. This person exampled everything God would portray in a person. I now know... it was a human but I guess at the time I could not understand how such a God fearing person could make such a judgement based on non facts. This person was my best friend I had ever had. The one I could be completely honest with.. whether it was good or bad and at that time never felt judged. That was through the years of 2008-2018. Yes. a long time to be a friend. I can remember when the separation began with my husband, staying with my oldest. There was some sort of altercation between them and for some reason she targeted me, because I had asked her to leave (my daughter's friend). She got systems involved which were totally untrue. But it ruined a friendship, that I did hold dearly. A couple years later, I did try to reach back out to tell my side of the story but was met with words such as "you must be feeling guilty", "this was your fault"... etc. so that was the end of that. I will say that devistated me. I never expected to be met with this kind of animosity from someone I had trusted and loved for so long. That was when I started separating myself from the church. Because I thought that was the church. Now I now that isn't the truth.. but at that time... The most repspected person I knew showed me how people saw me. "If We are the Body" by Casting Crowns song.. explains all of my feelings.

Life after Divorce.....in no specific order...

Divorce is a double edged sword. It can be terrible, needed... or vengeful. I think it was needed. Some things about the divorce seemed vengeful but in the end, I do still believe we cared about eachother even though it couldn't work out. We did have great, beautiful and kind kids together and there is nothing I can trade for that. I guess I don't really know where to start. I want to give some explaination to my children. But it is difficult to make since of. I guess the simplest way to put it without airing out dirty laundry.. is we grew apart. I feel we always cared about eachother, but in a different way throughout the years. So that brings me to 2018... it was a difficult time. I felt insecure and decided to step away from actively doing real estate and get a job at Waffle House. I always thought that would be a fun job.. a job where people accepted you and a kind place to go to each day. It was... but it was more difficult than I had ever imagined. There was a huge handbook.. with all the rules, all the things you shouldn't say and all these codes to holler out orders... I was terrible at this. They recommended me to have more training after several weeks.. so I was so embarrassed, I Quit. With uniform in tow... I was down to $20 in my bank account and had been offered a place that was for sale to stay temporarilly... A few collegues from real estate donated furniture. I had a loveseat, a recliner... and after a few months a bed and bean bag chair. I literally bought 7 weight watcher meals per week and that was my dinner every night for just a little while. One day when my youngest was staying with me, we decided to make a commercial and offer an open house to to the house we were staying in... I guess I wasn't thinking straight because that house sold right out from under me.. but it gave me some funds and we moved to a nicer place with more room, where more of the children could stay. I can remember my daughter's boyfriend rallying up his friends and moving the little things we had in a pickup truck with the christmas tree fully standing and decorated and placing those things in the new house. It felt like home.

An even longer While...

As I look back over the years... things got harder, not simpler... not especially better but life did happen. Quick recap.. after 27 years I found myself divorced.. struggling and trying to make since of everything that had become. We will leave that at that... because that is not the end. I guess 2018 was at the time the hardest time for most of us. That is when we split and it did split up our family. Sometimes I think about things that could have been different. What could I have done different, why couldn't I let some stuff go? Why did I give up? But I did. I had my reasons.. but that is in the past. The past is not relevant if we can't acknowledge it. So I do. Some things unfair happened, but maybe that is what needed to happen, so I am taking my responsiblilty for my part in the parts I could have changed.. I could have been better, handled things differently... But, that is the thing about time... you can't go back, or change it. So we have to move on.